Meeting Keith Closs -- A Crew Production

YAKIMA, Wash. - On Thursday, The Crew (The four names are changed to protect the non-innocent) decided to take in a CBA game between the Yakama Sun Kings and the Butte Daredevils for three big reasons:

1) It is fun to say Butte ...

2) This was the one and only Thirsty Thursday of the basketball season. (There should be many letters to Sun King management about this.)

3) Courtside at anything besides a high school matchup is always cool.

More interested in a big piece of overpriced pizza and a beer, three members of the crew arrive late to their courtside seats next to the visitors' bench. In between bites, they see a lively discussion involving mothers taking place between a young man -- with an extremely bad haircut and no idea that eyebrow should be plural -- and a tall black man. Bowlhead described the player as a tall Snoop Dog on crack. I would prefer to describe him as a tall, slender black man who understood that Snoop Dog has a good look and that milk and Flintstone vitamins do wonders in growth.

Already in his seat next to Bowlhead, Master Shit Talker is glad to have the night off and enjoying his free ticket immensely.

After the distraction of the pizza is vanquished, the man is revealed to be former L.A. Clipper Keith Closs. This generates shoulder shrugs among The Crew, but the Sports Reporter seems to remember he was in the NBA. Further research proved the Sports Reporter wrong in thinking he was a former first-round pick. NBA.com reveals that Closs' high point during his three-year NBA career was averaging 4.2 ppg during the 1999-2000 season. All those losses during the Clippers' "Golden Age" also must leave him with numerous flashbacks of Kobe's balls smaking his forehead after another posterizing dunk.

Still, Closs is quite the winner of the genetic lottery at 7-foot-3. Never drafted, he clawed his way into the NBA as a role player. He has 163 blocks for his 3-year career to go with 78 long-limbed turnovers. He also is 0-for-4 in his career from 3-point range. Unaware of these stats, there wasn't a chance for The Crew to figure out if he is still pissed that he didn't make a long ball under the bright lights of LA. Something to remember to ask when Butte next comes to town ...

With very little playing time coming his way ("Out of my control, coach's decision," Big Snoop was quoted), Mr. Closs decided to show off what three years in the NBA will teach you about talking trash. Bowlhead attempted a good game with barbs like: "Why are you on the bench?" and the age-old, "How 'bout that scoreboard?" Cleary, he was overmatched:

"You're my bitch," Closs said. "You're here paying tickets and part of that money is trickling into my pocket. In part, I'm pimping this whole crowd. I'm out here doing what I love, and you're my bitch and helping me live my life. So you go ahead and think you're big stuff there. You're "Mr. VIP" (Editor's note: Quote fingers were done around Mr. VIP. Those are by far the longest fingers to do quote fingers I have ever seen.)

Bowlhead was later revealed to not be a VIP after Closs, upon entering the game, tossed his towel to him with the quip, "Hold this for me, bitch." Bowlhead threw the towel back onto the court, drawing the ire of security officials who asked to see his tickets. After going 1-for-2 from the field in a few inspired minutes, Closs found himself back on the bench for the second half. ("Coach wants to let the small guys play now. That's how it is. I'm trying to spread a team formula around here.")

Now back in the cheap seats, Bowlhead has resorted to loud taunting, which draws smiles and waves from Closs along with, "Ah, there's my bitch. He better have my supper ready when I get home." While a game goes on, Closs imparts wisdom of 10 years of pro basketball to The Crew (Always sign autographs. Never insult the mother unless absolutely needed.) He also unlaces his shoes with a minute left and at one point swipes the Sports Reporter's half-full beer after a timeout and then gives it back with a high-five. The Good Doctor -- knowing what it is like to be a tall, long-limbed man -- drops his business card on Closs in hopes of a future party at the house. Then is surprised when he sees Closs signing autographs saying: "Wow, I didn't know he was a big deal like that."

The Crew then retires to the SC for a night of phooz, 2-dollar Red Strips, sweet nothings written on coasters, hook-and-line dancing, the Good Doctor losing a bet and breaking a pool stick, local celebrities demonstrating their Turkey Bowling technique 24 times and numerous trips to the Es-cape to discuss things like philosophy and why to not talk trash with former NBA players ...

- Sports Reporter

[EDITOR'S NOTE: German Village Media is pleased to welcome its Yakima, Wash. branch. Ahoy!]