The Republicans

Tomorrow, the Godfather and I are packing up a 12 passenger van with a bunch of peeps and headed up to Michigan. No, this is an attempt for G-Fath to de-program me from my newfound love for the Wolverines. We are headed up to pitch in on the last-ditch effort save the flagging campaign of Michigander Willard M Romney. I spent a great deal of time with the man with the Magic Undies earlier this year, as many of you know, and genuinely liked the man. But he's tried to be all things to all people, and that just never works. Quick, play word association with the viable presidential candidates: Huckabee - evangelical, McCain - hero, Hillary - tears, Obama - change, Thompson - alcoholic, Rudy - 9/11, Romney . . . Mormon, right?

Mitt started out trying to bill himself as the "get things done" candidate, and indeed, his record on that front is impressive. It may not have been the sexiest thing out there, but it defined who he really was, and for a while it was working. He made several lousy campaign decisions (including his decision regarding moi) and then had his biggest moment on the trail when he had some made-for-tv presser where he "addressed" the Mormon issue, thus calling a shitload more attention to it than anyone else was bothering to pay. But some media shark told him to do it and he thought he could silence the doubters (I can tell you from personal experience, he's exasperated by the questions everywhere he goes) so he did it. Then he's out there talking about fucking Pakistan, not sticking to any clear message, and spending millions of dollars ripping his opponents on TV, thus ruining a perfect opportunity to capitalize on his sudden front-runner status in several key early Primary states. He never got the joke; you must define yourself first before you can start trying to define others, and on Tuesday, it's likely going to be over. Despite the efforts of our Liberal friends, who can vote in the Republican primary, Romney is currently polling third after the New Hampshire debacle. I have been trading texts with a few of his body guys today, one of whom is openly enthusiastic about having the chance to watch American Gladiators beginning next week.

If Mitt is anything, he's a smart guy, and if he finished third in ANOTHER state where he not long ago held a commanding lead, he'll shut down the spin machine and stop wasting so much of his personal fortune. I just gotta get that sticker off my car.

That would leave us with three other potential sacrificial lambs, I mean Republican candidates. I truly believe Fred Thompson will drop out. And Rudy is dead meat (thank God). His strategery of waiting for the chaos of the early Primaries was based on the notion (Moreno) that there would be no front-runner. Well, he was wrong, and plus, he sucks. This is quickly becoming a two-man race between a mild-mannered governor from one of the shittiest states in the country and a guy who is nothing short of bat shit nuts.

Mike Huckabee emerged victorious in the Iowa caucuses by playing to the christian crowd. It worked. He was masterful at ginning up their strength, hatred, in the final push. At one point, his campaign manager said he wanted to "punch Romney in the teeth" a seeming misstep by a high-ranking campaign official to the intellectual types, but to the trained ear it was a salvo fired directly toward Huckabee's core constituency to "get mad" and get out there and vote for the guy who knows Jesus never set foot in Missouri. The media seized on the opportunity to make a seeming lightweight the GOP darling, and talked about him incessantly for days. So by now you all know the story. He is from Hope, Arkansas, plays the bass guitar, was Governor of that hellhole for 10 years, shares a last name with the greatest baseball player who ever lived, is pretty funny, and was endorsed by Chuck Norris, the noted purveyor of proper public policy. By all accounts he is a very nice man. I met him in a Starbucks in West Des Moines over 4th of July. Believe I blogged about it. Who knew then that he was going to be the guy? Well, let's just say it's not uncommon for Iowa, the state that voted for President Pat Robertson, kinda like New Hampshire, when they went for President Pat Buchanan. And in my other dealing with him he was accessible, kind, and approachable with another candidate I'm working with, so I have nothing bad to say about him, except for the fact that he has a slightly better chance of winning than I do.

Then there's the crazy man. John McCain has emerged as the once-and-future front runner for the nomination. An American Hero who was shot down in Vietnam and spent seven years of unspeakable Hell in a torture camp known as the Hanoi Hotel. An amazing story, but everybody knows that dudes who come out of those situations are going to have a few issues. He warred with the current President in the early stages of the 2000 GOP battle, only to bow out, and a few friends of mine have partied with him in Vegas, where I'm told he's a fucking riot. Conservatives in and around Congress hate him for always teaming up with the most liberal counterpart in the Senate and watering down every single piece of Republican legislation for the last 12 years. He single-handedly halted the Republican Revolution in Congress and gave us shit laws like McCain-Feingold and McCain-Kennedy. He sucks on the stump, too. But he's probably going to be our guy.

Anyway, off to Meatchicken.

- ghost