So I haven't had much of a chance to update you on the goings on of Istanbul (not Constantinople). Not a bad place for a country named after a festive dinner fowl. Still can't figure out the name, though. I mean, I haven't seen a single Turkey since I got here. Lots of stray dogs and cats (they'r everywhere) but no turkeys. Must be kinda like how Michigan calls themsefs the Wolverines, even though there are exactly zero non-zoo wolverines in that fucking stupid state whatsoever. The fucks.

Anyhoo, the place is actually pretty cool. It's Muslim, which sucks ass - I mean, hav you ever heard the "call to prayer" which hapens five times a day, when the crazed towel-heebs scream like banshees into a microphone and it gets blasted out all over the city? . . .and they wonder why we make fun of them so mercilessly - but it's secular Muslim, so not all the same insane shit happens, like cabbies stopping your car and getting out and praying when that wild screeching starts, or everybody reeking of b.o. and butt-hair, etc. Some English is spoken, but very little. It's mostly that gibbersish you always hear. And they're not devoid of Ayrab nuttiness by any means. Like today, for exmple, when a simple conversation about parking a plane at the airport became a mild disagreement, one of their employees and one of our interpreters started yelling at each other in Turkese (I'm told the most difficult language on Earth to learn). It was ridiculous, but we go it all worked out.

I went to the Ottoman Sultan's palace today, which was pretty amazing. It's a museum now as the Ottoman's have been gone for about 100 years. You may have heard. But they do have relics in there that were amazing to say the least. Like a woden rod they claim to have been used by Moses, Mohammed's footprint, and John the Baptist's arm. Heh, heh. Wooden rod. I don't know how they verify the validity of any of that shit, but they sure seem to think it's the real dizzy. And while we're all aware of the contributons that were made by those peoples in the world of foot-resting furniture, I learned today that they also invented the sofa. It was originally designed as the Sultan's office chair (I'm not kidding about this) and later used in the harems as a place for the bitches to chill while he decided which one(s) of them he wanted to shnogg. Little did they realize the billions of hours of TV watching, high school make-out sessions, and masturbation that their invention would give rise to. As a rule, I'd put it right up there with the wheel, printing press, and the iphone as man's great inventions, and possibly this place's greatest contribution to modern society - next to the ottoman, of course.

Made one of the worst decisions in human history the other night when I eschewed the soccer match hapening right next to our hotel featuring Fenerbache, and went to see the Whirling Dervishes instead. Soccer is, after all, really stupid (and possibly dangerous) and hey, there's nothing wrong with a little culture - especially an 800 year old tradition, right? Well, the dervishes are as boring as watching grass grow and it turned out the soccer might have been the right call. IF Spyder or SonnyB read this, they'll probably want to beat me up on general principle. That is, until they remember that they're both wimps who like soccer.

The food here is pretty good, I've enjoyed getting around the city, and the people on my team are alright. There is one douchecock from the RSO's office who was a complete deeck today in a meeting about not having information because an email wasn't returned. When he wouldn't let it go, I started into a rant in front of everyone about how there are actually other forms of communication besides email, like talking to people. Everybody was pretty stuned. Whatever. Fuck him. It's my first international lead, and though I don't have a particularly challenging stop, I'm doing a really good job. Oh yeah and there are some hot chicks here, too. I'm actually pleasantly surprised. Even one of the flight attendants on Turkish Airways (the world's smelliest airline) was hot as balls. Chicago to Istanbul direct in buisness class, fuckers. One Ambien and wake me when we land 10 hours later. At least I don't have to fly out to an aircraft carrier.

The Ritz is nice. Get to the gym every day, but haven't enjoyed the hamam quite yet. The club lounge is one of the better I've experienced. Sitting here in the staff office now killing some time before our fantasy draft starts at 2 a.m. local time for moi. Opening Day is in like 2 weeks, and I'm going to miss it in CinciOhio'sBestCitinati for the first time in many, many years. Gotta go get the next geez elected so the international junkets can continue on. But first I'll take Miggy Cabrera with the second pick . . . maybe.

- ghost

p.s. oops, forgot to mention the tv here. about 4 English-speaking stations (the Godfather would go crazy, or just learn Turkish). One of them is the BBC, which does nothing but complain about how the US is the root of all the world's troubles all day, so I can't watch that. One is Bloomberg, which is just to damn depressing to watch (and boring!) and one other is VH1, into which they mix some really, really shitty Turkish music. The other is the "comedy" channel, which did have a good show on the other night (I think it's Canadian) about a halfway house for reformed murderer puppets, which was pretty good. It's usually a good bet that if you have a puppet or a cartoon in your show, I'll probably watch it (unless it's Drawn Together) and find it relatively amusing. But some of the other pieces of shit on that chanel, like Carpoolers and Yes, Dear are just awful and not funny. Yet, I watch.