The Mayor, Godfather, I, and McGregor attended the OSU/Iowa game today at Value City Arena. We were shown on the Big Ten Newtwork, approximately one hour and fifteen minutes into the broadcast, though the Mayor was obstructed by a humongous fat guy, and McGregor looked like he didn't want to be there. At least Godfathy and I were cheering.

For those of you inclined to watch the re-broadcast of the gameon BTN tonight at 11pm, we appear on screen right after Diebler's and-one in the opening stanzas of the second half.

Other highlights from the game included the Godfather's one-handed catch of a T-shirt from a cheerleader, while talking on the phone, and the silent shout-out he got from OSU reserve Mark Titus for his "Club Tril" T-shirt. It basically was all about the T-shirts for the Godfather today.

Oh, and the Buckeyes won.

Later, dude. See ya never!

Dispatch!

McGinley's New Year's Eve schedule/Mid week Art Link(s)letter:

8:00 a.m. Get up, walk dogs.

8:30 a.m. shower.

9:00 a.m. Cave Bear.

11:00 a.m. Haircut, errands.

Noon: Monkey Lunch (185?) for selection of draft order.

1:30 - 3:00 p.m. Nap, fuck around on Facebook, Blog.

4:00 p.m. GVM night at Value City Arena for OSU basketball game.

7:00 p.m. Return to America, change, go back out.

8:00 p.m. 185 for pre-drinks.

9:00 p.m. Matt Mayle's.

10:00 p.m. Dinner at Mayle's.

11:00 p.m. Inebriation State University.

Midnight Return to 185. Happy New Year!

Dear grill,

Will I ever see you again? I mean, other than the times I go visit you at Gracie, can I count on you still being part of my life?

It's been a while since I let you go. 4th of July, actually. I loaded you up in the car and took you to Gracie. Gave you a nice bath, and then you made food for everyone before the Mayor wiped out in the bushes. I haven't seen you since.

The Mayor tells me that you want to stay with him, and I guess I understand. Gracie is a better place, and there's more people around. Plus, you always said the Mayor had a nicer back yard!

But I miss the times we spent together. You really were a gas - and you knew how to get things cookin'! Will we ever stoke those flames again? I don't know.

I'll always remember the good times, and the laughs. Maybe someday the Mayor will set you free, and you can come home to me, so you can make me some fucking dinner!

Until then, stay warm. I miss you.

Red Sox sign catcher Bard.

Most interceptions of all time. Choked in his final season, and final game. Led league in INT's this year, with a mind-boggling 23. What a pice of garbage career. What a loser.

Please, someone tell me that he belongs among the all-time greats, and I will gladly kick you in the balls as hard as I can. Fuck you Brett Loser. Please go away forever.

Bolstered by Drew Brees (above) and his 35 point performance today, the Chimp Division currently leads the Monkey House All-Star game 123-14.

-Staff Reports

Blogging about the Buckeyes just isn't as fun when they aren't playing every weekend. Expanded into SBFY.blogspot.com

Want to get rich quickly? I have the perfect solution for you. Never mind the lottery or getting a job and becoming highly successful. Forget that shit. Too much work, too long odds, etc. I've got the sure thing.

My bowl picks this year have been so atrocious, it would be funny if it weren't so sad. I have basically gotten every game wrong, and some I've missed by a mile. I was sweating like a priest at a little league game before the cheap last-minute, unnecessary touchdown by Wake in the opener. It seemed like just bad luck at the time, but it instead was a harbinger of terrible things to come. I had Hawaii as my #1 confidence pick this year, and they got throttled, and yes, I have North Carolina right now, who is already down to West Vaginky. I'm already a cinch to finish last, and it isn't even New year's week yet. Bottom line is you could have already made a wad off this policy, so go ahead and pick the opposite of everything I have from here on out and you'll be sure to make more money. You know, some of that Internet money.

So here are the teams you should take if you want to (Kevin) cash in big time. Take these locks to Vegas and spend the rest of the weekend at the slots dropping more coin than Michael J Fox at a parking meter.

Note; these are all the opposite of my shitty picks.

Florida State

Miami

Northern Illinois

NC State

Nevada

Western Mich

Oregon

Houston

Pitt

BC

Kansas

Ga Tech

South Carolina

Clemson

Mich State

Penn State

Cincinnati

Mississippi

E. Carolina

Utah

Connecticut

Texas

Tulsa

Oklahoma

Bet these all. Guaranteed to win more (probably a lot more) than you'll lose. Consider it my Christmas gift. You're welcome.

Randy Johnson is a Giant. Seems fitting.

The other day, the Obama, er...administration issued it's own internal report regarding their dealings with Governor Rod Blagojevich, and his attempt to auction off the President-elect's Senate seat.

This was not an independent investigation, yet the sycophantic media accepted this self-evaluation as iron clad fact, and reported it as such. Along those lines, I would like to reveal the findings of my own internal investigation of GermanVillageMedia, and their related activities from 2008.

Everything contained herein is entirely the truth, regardless of what other news agencies or any other investigations might find. Some of the findings may even contradict your own specific memories, or second-hand, or even first-hand accounts from trusted friends and confidants. All of those contradictions should be summarily disregarded.

2008 was certainly a strange year for the GVM, though certainly not as bizarre or drama-filled as, say 2006. There were, however, reports of overdoses, blatant houdinis, Facebook addictions, resurrections, drunk driving, chick drama, and excessive public urination. All of these stories are false.

Many of you may have heard of the untimely demise of a few of our friends. The facts of these events are meaningless. What is appropriate is to listen to the ever-changing accounts of what took place on the November and December dates in question, and believe whatever you are told. GVM conducted a thorough investigation (mostly through pure drunken bar gossip and conjecture) of these incidents, and has concluded that further investigation is unwarranted. Anyone who actually witnessed the behavior in question on either evening and wonders how the present facts can possibly jibe with what they saw, heard, and in some cases smelled on those nights is mistaken. Please disregard your own personal memories, actions, and eye-witness accounts, and proceed to believing whatever you are told.

Further, several allegations of boorish behavior, rampant houdini-ing, getting fat again, and talking behind people's backs have been lodged against McGinley. I hereby clear myself of any wrongdoing in all of those cases. No acknowledgement of facts or allegations is necessary, as I am by far the most normal one of this eclectic clan.

The Mayor continued his streak of unexplained late-night activities, and continues to be hounded by allegations of drunken driving, which have persisted for many, many years. While GVM has been able to confirm scores of instances of the Mayor being drunk in 2008, and many more instances of the Mayor driving - including driving several times on days where he was confirmed to have been drinking - there is no solid evidence that the mayor ever drove WHILE drinking or drunk. So you see, the same way Rahm Emmanuel confirmed that he spoke on the phone to Governor Hair, and discussed the Senate seat with him and his staff over 20 times on tape while the Governor was actively pursuing a quid pro quo for his consideration, there is no evidence, according to Emmanuel, that the actual quid pro quo was ever discussed, and so he has been self-cleared, despite having lied about their contacts at first. In the same light, the Mayor is innocent of any such activities and should return to the roads with all deliberate speed. As for his unexplained late-night activities, GVM has confirmed that the Mayor was home, sleeping alone on every single night in question, regardless of what nights may be in question and whether or not GVM is even aware of the specific allegation. The Mayor did steal McGinley's grill and Christmas tree stand, however, and there is no indication as to whether he intends to give either item back.

As for Dr. Li'l, the story of him taking a dump in the apartment of hot, tattooed, Ohio State girl that he met at the Rock Lobster several years ago, allowing her to pass out before he could go have his way with her has been confirmed. Yeah, that one's old, but it's true. Sorry dude.

Athlete has remained largely out of trouble and under the radar screen in 2008. There were reports of him being seen in the Gateway District earlier this year, which are undeniably false. He has also maintained his "playing weight" despite all objective evidence to the contrary.

Regarding the Godfather, there has been rampant speculation of him cooking dinners and planning elaborate parties with the new love of his life++. He also recently was alleged to have jettisoned his so-called "friends" at his alleged favorite bar, so that he could allegedly attend back-to-back alleged gay dance parties, to which he is alleged to have worn the disco ball suit allegedly. I can personally confirm that this story is utterly false, as the disco ball suit has been in my closet for the last month or so. Whew, glad there was no validity to that one! GVM has also confirmed that GFath is becoming as annoying as McGinley about telling everyone about his workout regimen and weight loss, and that he went down, for the second year in a row, the year-end national Golden Tee championship. He also did not fulfill his duties to carry the Mayor's 3,000 lb. television upstairs this entire summer, forcing McGinley to have to injure his back doing it in his stead. He also has surprisingly few FBF's* for a guy who's been on for nearly two years.

GVM did suffer two losses this past year. One of them was potentially harmful to the continued success of the blog. Yes, McCampus was fired recently due to his BINO** status and pending move to Grandview (aka, death), as well as for his lack of posting. However, all indications that he goaded other staffers into making fun of mutual friends, persistently sent derogatory text messages about people, became excessively violent when drunk after 3am, and almost burned down a German Village neighborhood with his detonation of defective fireworks around the Fourth of July, are hereby denied. He is cleared of all charges and no further action is necessary.

McGregor also left the blog.

Other allegations regarding the death of The 1, repeated PABB (Public Acts of Bo Bice-ing), extended 2008 absences, loving Matt Mayle's too much, brooding over unrequited text messages on the funnest night of the year, slapping people, weed smoking, being crazy, barfing, staying out too late, astonishing immaturity, and unprovoked character assassinations, have all - after thorough review of the relevant facts - been deemed to be unequivocally false.

GVM is hereby cleared and may continue with its normal activities of drinking excessively this coming Monday and Tuesday night.

++ NJAG
* Facebook Friends
** Blogger in Name Only

Congratulations to Simian Nation for capturing the 2008 Monkey Bowl Championship. The Nation becomes the league's first ever three time winner (it would have been four, were it not for one glorious Monday night in 2000 when Marshall Faulk and Warrick Dunn combined to deliver the greatest comeback in the history of life and deliver me my one and only Monkey title). More important, the Nation prevented fellow fantasy geek and perennial baseball league champion Saggy Chimp Titties from joining the hallowed ranks of Monkey Champions.

Nation supplanted Imperator Macacique as holder of the heralded masturbating wooden monkey trophy, and did so via a fucking tie breaker in the championship game. In garnering his third league title he surpasses Brass Monkey, the only other multiple winner, as all-time Monkey Bowl champion. Rhesus Feces inexplicably holds the other title as the 2002 trophy was vacated due to complete cocksucker douchebagginess.

Amazingly, the Monkey League will enter its tenth season next year and, fittingly, a vacation destination has been suggested for the draft. What the Hell? We'll never do it. Of course, a couple of indians are clamoring for rule changes and scoring revisions, ensuring that every yard, catch, TV timeout, challenge flag, fair catch, and practice snap be counted and fantasy final scores be in the neighborhood of 419.77 - 393.53. Not likely to happen as the original member council of Rhesus, Saggy, Choombas, Nation, and Fleabit may, at any time, exercise its veto power over any proposed revisions. The move to Yahoo is likely to pass unanimously, however.

Through the years we've had our ups and downs. We've lived through the glory of me winning the inaugural title, and the ignominy of having to vacate a championship a la the 1919 Black Sox scandal, but we've persevered. Original members have left, and one has even returned. The field of teams has been expanded, making for more competitive fantasy action! But our very simple scoring formula devised by the council of Monkey Elders many moons ago has remained basically intact, with a few minor revisions. Our formula has worked so well that it has lasted a decade, which is approximately 8.7 years longer than the average FFB league. Drastic changes aren't soon on the horizon.

Sort of like people who think the multi-billion dollar bowl formula currently employed by major college football has a snowball's chance in Hell of being scrapped for any other system deemed to somehow make the sport "better". Not gonna happen, kids. The state of our Monkeyness is strong. Few, if any, scoring changes are in the offing for next season. The original five wise monkeys would rather revert back to the original scoring system than ever see our league become a series of contests decided by quarterback rating, average punt hang times, and decimal points.

My fellow Monkey Leaguers, this week, the All Star game will be played, and another season of Monkey will conclude happy and healthy as ever. Long live the Monkey League. And may God Bless her chest-thumping, banana swilling, feces flinging participants for many years to come.

Merry Christmas from GVM!

Landed in Providence today to the news that the Yankees swooped in and signed Mark Teixiera. Got me to thinking, and I don't know about you, but I think the Yanks - even with their half-billion dollar free agent signees - will still not win the World Series next year. I know they seem stacked, but it's not like they've never done this before. Remember Carl Pavano? Kevin Brown? Jason Giambi? Javier Vazquez? All guys who were supposed to be the cream of that particular year's free agent crop who all succumbed to the Yankees' spending largess, only to ultimately not win. Hell, A-Rod too for that matter.

What makes this class of free agents any different? CC Sabathia? Is this guy the best pitcher in the league? Absolutely, unequivocally he is not. Dude had one good season in the American League, where he won a dubious Cy Young award over Josh (the best pitcher in baseball that year) Beckett. Sabathia then went out and was nothing short of atrocious in the playoffs (playoffs?), choking when it mattered most. The anti-Curt Schilling. So then he got off to a horrible start last season and found himself traded to the Junior Varsity National League.

The National League is interesting to watch because the talent level is so watered down there that mediocre and bad players from American League squads can routinely go there and become All Stars. Two seasons ago, the Red Sox out-righted two pitchers from their staff who just couldn't cut the mustard against actual Major League hitters. JC Romero wasn't getting it done in the Sox bullpen, and Joel Piniero couldn't make the conversion from reliever to starter, so they were sent packing with zero remuneration. Everybody agreed it was the right thing to do in both instances.

Well, Piniero became a staple of the Cardinals rotation, piling up good numbers against NL Central powerhouses like Pittsburgh and Cincinnati. Meanwhile, Romero blossomed into an All Star-caliber reliever in Philly, the team that ultimately won this year's Classic, after the D-Rays spent absolutely everything they had in taking down the Red Sox in the MLCS (Major League Championship Series). The Phillies path to the Series was actually kind of interesting in retrospect. First, they outlasted the Mets during yet another tragic meltdown in the NL East, and then they bested the Brewers in the first round of the post season. The Brewers were anchored by their ace (and laughable NL Cy Young candidate) CC Sabathia, who was again his usual horrifying self in the playoffs. Sabathia was terrible in the series when the Crew needed him most, and the Phils took it in four. Out came the standard excuses "He had to do too much in the final weeks just to get them there" and "He's too fat", or whatever. But it didn't change the simple fact that dude just cracks in the big situations, plain and simple.

Not to worry. It's not like he'll be pitching under any pressure now in New York. He should be just fine there. Yeah, especially if he comes back as the guy who was getting hammered by AL bats in the first part of last season. Best of luck with that big guy. Be sure to put your cap on crooked like a wangster! I'm sure that'll go over well when you're 1-5 out of the gate.

The Phils, by the way, then got past the Manny Ramirez-led Dodgers in the LLCS. Ramirez had left his AL contending club as a malcontent who refused to play and was putting up pedestrian numbers for a guy of his considerable prowess. In the NL, of course, he was rejeuvenated by the Junior Varsity-level pitching and hit a home run every time he came to bat. Ultimately, he decided to stop trying when Joe Torre made him get his haircut, and the Dodgers lost.

Ah yes, the Yankees. Then, of course, there's AJ Pavano -- I mean Burnett. Let's see...former Marlin with history of arm trouble, who put up career numbers in his contract walk year, and was the flavor of the month free agent name for a team with a lot of money to waste to take a chance on...wait, hang on a second. I guess about the only difference between Burnett and Carl "still rehabbing that shoulder" Pavano is that one dated Alyssa Milano and the other preferred a different star of Who's the Boss? Look for Burnett to have a rough go of it in the Bronx every fifth day, but to make a big splash in the Bowery the other four.

As for Teixiera, he's a great player. I'm not even going to pretend otherwise, as I don't make foolish arguments. Hell, I sat down to write this post in an attempt to make a case for Matt Cassell as NFL MVP, given his out-of-nowhere incredible run to the cusp of the playoffs with the unenviable pressure of replacing the best player in football without notice. But his numbers just don't compare to Peyton's, and he won't win it, so I didn't go through with the exercise, though Cassell should be runner-up. I digress, but the point is that in Teixiera, the Yanks got a legitimate power hitter with a slick glove, who actually fills what may have been their most glaring need. I men, they actually had Johnny Damon playing first base for crying out loud. Their infield is now just stupid good, even with Robinson Cano and Jeter on the tail end of his effectiveness. He instantly solidifies their lineup and, I'm told, already hates Alex Rodriguez, so he'll fit right into the Yankees clubhouse! He also showed up in the playoffs last year in a big way, proving that the guy can straight rake in any situation. But eight years and $180 mil? I know I didn't want the Red Sox to do that, and in the end I'll be I'm glad they didn't. He's just not worth it. Kinda like Manny Ramirez wasn't worth that kind of money in Boston...wait a second.

His signing is the strongest indication that the Yankees (who desperately need to generate interest and sell loges for their new stadium) want to try to win one more championship before old man Steinbrenner no longer appreciates what's happening in real life (kind of like someone else we know!)

As those of you who read this blog (even the long posts!) know, I've changed my tune on the Yanks in 2008, and no, not just because they didn't make the playoffs. They're a genuine class organization, and a bunch of staunch Republicans, unlike the fruitcake liberal fucks (who've won two of the last five World Series, I might add!) that run the team I root for. But I'm sorry, as much as I've developed a soft spot in my heart for the Boss, who incidentally also loves the Buckeyes, I just don't think this is going to get it done for him. Every time they've tried to collect All Stars and eat up the market of available free agents it just hasn't worked. It's just not how you build a winning ball club anymore. Ask the '08 Tigers.

Recent history has proven that youth, homegrown talent, clutch (aka unSabathiaesque) pitching, strong bullpens, and catching a depleted superior AL squad after a bruising "real" World Series is how you go about garnering a title. If collecting high-priced free agents was the way to go, the Yankees would have won a championship this century - maybe even more than one - but they haven't. So I don't care how much run they get for the rest of the off season. I don't even care if they tear out of the gate 35-5 a la the '84 Tigers. That will do the trick of selling the suites and season tickets, and getting their public-financed palace on the way to solvency. But in the end, it won't get them a title - even after they sign Manny Ramirez.

Anyway, I'm condifent - and Hell, it's only baseball. I mean, it's not like it's the sort of thing that keeps me up at night.

Target Rich Environment
So I found myself out trying to finish my shopping, and realized something big. There are just a disproportionate number of good-looking girls in Target than just about anywhere else.

I first detected this the last 55 times I went to Target, which were all at the one over near campus. I always attributed the high volume of hotties over there to the proximity to campus. Yet today I'm up at Polaris, during the day and sho 'nuff, there was tons of shtank in there as well. Young, MILFy, hot, beautiful, it didn't matter - there was just a lot of ass in the place. I found myself wandering aisles looking at stuff I clearly didn't need or want to buy just to test my theory, and give myself more ammo for the post I intended to write about it. I'm a quasi-journalist, you see - not a pervert. Not at all.

So what's up with that? Why are there so many honeys in the Tar-jay? Why are there an equal number of trollie trolls in the supermarket, bookstore, or anywhere I go to buy stuff for my dog?

My theory is that unmarried girls go to Target, and, as everybody knows, unmarried girls skew toward the hot (i.e., they're still trying). Target is kind of a starter shopping kit for girls who haven't quite found that special someone's life to completely wreck havoc upon. The married ones, who have achieved their goal in life of crushing some poor bloke's spirit, refuse to go there, due to the good deals that might save their husbands a little escarole - keeping him from needing to break his back to support his brood - and attractive clientele that will make them appear comparatively fat and old, simply reminding their slavemen how good it used to be. Fucking Target is fabulous!

Seriously, check it out sometime. Drop the Panera and head to the picture frame aisle. For whatever reason, you'll be impressed and amused by the genuine lack of ugliness. You'll be sure to notice the plethora of Bettys picking up laundry detergent and DVDs. And you may even see me hanging around in my new fave place to shop for the Glimmer!

In case you haven't noticed, (and if you're a sportswriter, you probably haven't!) the best college hoop in the country is being played in the Big 11.

There's no dominant team, like the ACC has, but top to bottom, the Big 11 is the top overall conference in the country right now. Going into the season, the conventional wisdom was that the Big East was superior (see my post from two weeks ago) but on top of the overwhelming head-to-head advantage the Big 11 has over their Big Easy foes, the 11 has been equally dominant out of conference.

The entire Big Least has exactly three marquee wins outside of the standard cupcake schedule, and remarkably, two of them belong to Syracuse, the team most notorious for playing absolutely nobody. UConn's win over Gonzaga was big (and largely lucky) and G-Town's win over a wildly overrated Memphis team is looking less impressive by the minute. Other than that, there's not much else to brag about.

However Big Eastcoastbias teams still inexplicably remain ranked ahead of and in greater numbers than the comparatively dominant Big 11 teams. Michigan (who's beaten Duke and UCLA) is finally ranked this week, as is Minnesota, who beat Louisville this weekend, though Louisville remains ranked ahead of the Gophers.

Two-loss Notre Dame remains inexplicably ranked in the top 10, ahead of undefeated Ohio State, who they lost to. And Pitt is ranked #3 in the nation, despite having a schedule that has been as soft as Softa Softus on a soft day. Oh, they did go to Tallahassee yesterday and eke out an 8-pont win over the mighty Seminoles. (insert sarcastic term here) Ooooooh, impressive. Michigan State, who took down Texas on the road this weekend, is 11th.

So now that conference play is about to begin in earnest, I'm sure we'll hear more about how Ohio State will struggle without David Lighty, and how awesome the Big East is. I'm not sold at all. I'll be picking their teams to go down hard in the tourney (of course, judging by my atrocious start to the football Bowl pool, you should probably go with the opposite) and looking for the teams that have proven it on the court to go further in the dance, and ultimately lose to Carolina.

The Browns lost yesterday. That fact in and of itself is not surprising. Their record is now 4 wins and 11 losses, and all that stands between them and a merciful end to this pitiful 2008 campaign is a certain loss to rival Pittsburgh this Sunday.

The Browns failed to score an offensive touchdown for the fifth straight game yesterday, all five losses, though yesterday was the first time they managed to be completely shut out. The shutout came, of course, at the hands of the Cincinnati Bengals, a team that had allowed opponents an average of 25 points per game, and were at one point this season 0-8.

The Browns allowed a touchdown by the Bengals defense yesterday, a 50 yard interception return by cornerback Leon Hall. Again, nothing surprising about this considering that since Jerome Harrison's 72-yard touchdown run- the Browns most recent offensive touchdown to date- to start the fourth quarter of their last victory, on November 17th, the Browns offense has scored just two more points, 30, than they've ceded to their opponents' defenses, 28. If I need to explain how ridiculous that statistic is, you've probably been reading this post far longer than you needed to.

Bengals fill-in quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick completed just five passes in yesterday's win, one pass more than the Browns two-headed monstrosity of Ken Dorsey and Bruce Gradkowski put in the hands of Bengals players.

The Browns are putrid. Only by virtue of the Detroit Lions becoming the first team ever to start a season 0-15, and the fact that they are a loss at Lambeau Field this Sunday away from 0-16, has the Browns futility been overshadowed in the pantheon of pathetic.

All of this is to say, I don't really care that much. I watched a lot of NFL football yesterday. I bet on four of them, winning three. I watched the Steelers play the Titans in the AFC's marquee match up of the day, watched the Giants and Panthers play into overtime, even watched Tavaris Jackson and the Minnesota Vikings vain attempt to undo a loss that their rampant turnovers handed to the Atlanta Falcons.

But the Browns? I did watch the game yesterday, but not in the way I'd watch the Buckeyes or Indians play. I watched the way a rubbernecking motorist watches a traffic accident. Sure, you know it's going to be unsightly and you're going to regret having done it once it's past, but you can't pull your attention away.

In an Ohio sports universe where the Cavs are poised to compete for the Eastern Division title and potentially an NBA crown while posting double digit wins seemingly every time they take the court; and where the Indians are a .500 season removed from a trip to the ALCS and appear to be a contender for the AL Central title in 2009; and where the Buckeyes are competing year in and year out for the national title, or at the very least a BCS bowl trip; and where the basketball Buckeyes have reloaded (again) and are a top-20 ranked team; the Browns relevance continues to be eroded.

Cleveland will always be a football town, and so long as there is a next year you're bound to trick some of us into believing it will be better. But sooner or later the fans will realize that spoiled milk by any name- Butch Davis, Romeo Crennel, Marty Schottenheimer?- isn't going to get any better so long as it keeps coming from the same rotten cow that is Randy Lerner's hopelessly flawed leadership of an organization that has never known how to win.

-The Godfather

McGregor!



*For all you "picture only" post lovers out there.

I got 10 out of 10 on the addition quiz.

- Art McGregor

I got 15 out of 19 SNL News Anchors on Sporcle.

About Last Night: Swingin' Christmas Party at 182 Edition

"Well, last night thank God we're us, instead of yooooooouuuuuu"
- Band Aid (kinda)

Christmas-time is an era of good feelings, and never was this more evident than at Numbers last night.

An eclectic band of merrymakers, ranging from Bo Bice (BO BICE!) to Cheve, with a heavy dose of the Mayor and Gahannastan mixed in, came together for NJAG's birthday. When Hoodie mentioned that he knew at least one person whose birthday it was everyday from last Tuesday to next Wednesday, I corrected him and pointed out that his streak runs through next Thursday, cause that's Jesus's birthday ('tis the reason for the season!).

The evening really picked up steam as it rolled on, as Gahannastan, then the Mayor and guest, then McGregor, then Cheve, then Wilson, then Mayle and the rest of the gang from Lindo, then McJewhair all joined in the NJAG fest.

The Mayor's guest claimed to design women's denim for A&F, but neither half of Cheve had any idea who he was, throwing the entire story into question. We may never know the true identity of the mystery man.

As we've addressed in this forum before, one of the driving forces behind the Christmas-time era of good feelings is Christmas music. Recognizing this, Peaches did a fantabulous job of working the sounds of the season into the rotation on the music machine. Soon enough the crowd was swaying, people were drinking hot chocolate, and for one group of people in one little bar, the mounting woes of the world outside were a mere molehill to our mountain of merriment.

McGregor and I also got really into the last ten minutes of the Jackets game (POINT!) and pretended to know whether Malhotra made a kicking motion on the apparent game winner that was not. The no goal allowed Dallas to win in a shootout, putting two pucks past Pascal, on top of the five goals he had already granted them in regulation.

The Jackets superfan that we all know (don't know if he has a blog name or not) came in later sporting a beard. I assumed it was the CBJ equivalent of a playoff beard- one you start growing in December and don't trim until we're officially eliminated from playoff contention in January.

Some random thoughts

-NJAG came up with a great nickname for the low talker waitress who normally works the lunch shift and was there last night, "The Whispering Waitress"

-Shankenburg had successful reattachment thumb surgery yesterday. Puffy Coat questioned my use of the term "reattachment surgery," but I had to point out that Drewbaca is not a starfish, so he's not gonna grow a new one

-Bo Bice's (BO BICE'S) shouted salutations to Dan Canada- "Hey! You don't know me. Well, I know you. Asshole."- and subsequent explanation that they had met at a bar a couple nights earlier and the guy said his name was Dan and he was from Canada, so he calls him Dan Canada, snagged line of the night honors

-The 1, RIP wasn't there.

-What's the appropriate response when someone says, "Happy Holidays"?
a. You, too!
b. Merry Christmas
c. Fuck you
d. c, then b

Not sure what, if anything, Friday night has in store. We shall see. Just hoping to keep riding the era of good feelings train.

-The Godfather

"I really shouldn't be surprised, because if there is one universal truth about women, it's that they are terrible at keeping secrets. If there is another universal truth about women, it's that they will always wait to try and open the car door at the exact moment I hit the "Door Unlock" button on my keys, thus preventing their door from unlocking. Fellas, amirite?" -Club Trillion

You can take the Coach out of Cincinnati (KY), but you can't take the Cincinnati (KY) out of the Coach.

Former UC coach arrested in Queen City

Admit it, you thought this post was about Huggybear.

-The Godfather

Enjoy!

If you're not reading Club Trillion, you're only cheating yourself. GVM is efforting to get an exclusive with Mark Titus in the near future. In the meantime, this post is probably my favorite thing I've ever read on the Internet.

-The Godfather

Above is a reenactment of last night's epic 2008 National Golden Tee championship. In the film, Rocky is me, Apollo is the Godfather, Apollo's trainer is McGregor (as is the guy who tries vainly to get an interview with Rocky afterwards), Pauly is the Mayor, and Talia Shire is ASD.

The actual exchange of words between the victorious me and the defeated Godfather takes place at 3:29 of this clip, and is repeated at 4:33, so feel free to skip ahead.

BTW, I won.

Yeah, bitches!

Ohio State B-baller Mark Titus is a great benchwarmer and an even better blogger, as evidenced at his Club Trillion.

-The Godfather

Reader challenge!

Dear Abby:

My 14-year-old daughter, “Melissa,” is bisexual. Most girls her age have sleepovers, but my husband says that any girl Melissa likes should be considered the same as a boyfriend, so it isn’t appropriate for her to spend the night. I disagree. A girlfriend is not the same — mainly because Melissa won’t end up getting pregnant after spending the night with a girl. What do you think?

— Mom in St. Petersburg

Now, you make the call. Put yourself in Abby's shoes and answer this letter in the comments section.

Even better one from last night courtside in Los Angeles for the Knicks/Lakers game...

"I didn't create this, this is all their doing," Marbury said of his status as a non-player with the Knicks despite being under contract for more than $21 million. "I'm still earning my check by doing nothing. I'm staying in shape. My mind-set is to enjoy my life."

There will be much much more from me now that finals are over

-Athlete

The Greatest Quote Ever

“Look at Romeo Crennel and that fat guy (Charlie Weis) at Notre Dame. It’s absolutely ridiculous that they weigh more than offensive tackles. How do you tell your players it’s a physical, tough game and you can’t even jog across the field? That’s an insult to a player. I’m just a fan, but this guy is so undisciplined that he can’t push away from the table?”

- Hall of Fame Offensive Lineman Joe DeLamielleure

Know the difference between good ice and bad ice before your next trip to Nationwide Arena, courtesy of the Dispatch.

Season Ticket night may resume in 2010. We will still not be in.

Season Ticket Night resumes again Wednesday. Let me know if you're in.

Reunions are fun. It's great to get together with folks you have a common bond or experience with but don't see very often anymore. High School or college, or in our case on Saturday, a bunch of folks you worked with back in the day. It's good to catch up, see how everyone's doing, remember the good old days, revert back to our strange old habits. Always good to have a say in the event planning, so you can make sure not to invite the people you can't stand, and focus on the folks you really want to see, like bosses, colleagues, friends, and of course, people you have never met or heard of before in your entire life.

About half way through a drunken version of "We just disagree" I felt a strange arm around my shoulder. I didn't remember it from any of the million times we swayed together and belted out the lyrics to that terrible song, including the time we got drunk WITH Dave Mason at the 185, and he lied about playing on the Beggar's Banquet sessions. There was also a voice that seemed a little off key, by which I mean not yelling like we always do. So I figured that this guy was just a drunken Club denizen, who'd strayed away from the Owner's Box, lured by our dulcet tones to come join our obviously fun gang. No big deal, right? Wrong.

I was introduced to this guy as "U Boat", which preceded a flurry of "you remember U Boat!" and "Come on, he was our Cleveland Reps". I did not remember him. I'm reasonably certain that I never met him, which is to say I've never spoken to him, heard his name, or even made fun of him before. Ever. He had a handle, like "Hammer" or "Bongo", or "Skippy", immediately qualifying him to be a college friend or close relative of the DA's, but no. He was really there for the TOS aspect of it all.

So it was great to hang out with him again for the first time ever, reminisce about things that hadn't yet happened, with people we mutually didn't know, in places we hadn't gone. Holmes took the "re" out of reunion, yet everybody kept insisting that he was not just a practical joke, relative of Rags, or employee of the Cleveland regional office of the Hamilton County Prosecutor. And there just was simply no way I'd ever not made fun of him behind his back before given the volumes of material that were so readily available.

Now granted back in the day I was rarely in the office on time, made few appearances on the 10th floor or any of the regional offices, and spent most of my time in the corner pocket, throwing footballs around with Mayor and the Smack, but at least I knew who our people were. I mean shit - I hand picked every single non-Cincy All Star Team member in the place. Bottom line, if you wanted something out of that office (like a job) you asked me, and I made it happen. Take McGregor for example. There was a time way back when that he sought possible employment in the TOS. he failed to talk to me about it, and guess what? Didn't happen, though you could argue that it was the best thing to not happen to him in his first 30 years on Earth.

Is it possible that I don't remember everybody, and that years have passed since those heady days, possibly clouding the memory? Or I could have just been too drunk to remember -- not the whole time I worked for the DA, but on Saturday night(though both were correct). But that's just not how it works. I would have relished the opportunity to get to know this fella, the way he would seem to opportunity the relish.

OK, that was a little mean. He seemed like a nice enough and very drunk guy. And, hey, he knew the words to the Mason song.

All in all, it was a good party. Props to the DA and the Geez for coming up with the idea and then doing absolutely nothing about it. Also props to the Icey for organizing it and to the GFath for getting the email out. Oh and props to me for making that whole thing a reality for everyone...even the people I didn't even know existed.

At 9:07 Eastern Standard Time in Columbus, America, I caught the Godfather in Facebook friends.

Plane Chaser is next.

Buckeyes Best Butler
Fail to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory

(Columbus, Ohio) In one of the ugliest wins in recent memory, the Ohio State Buckeyes outlasted pesky But


ler 54-51 at home on Saturday.

Butler, who starts three freshman and two sophomores, had several chances to tie or take the lead down the stretch, but suddenly went cold, had a breakaway layup blocked, and were hurt by bad officiating in the late going. They also had 20 turnovers, yet had a chance to tie on their final possession against the 21st ranked Buckeyes.

"They just simply wanted it less than we didn't," said David Lighty, who cannot make a free thrown to save his God damned life.

The Buckeyes built a comfortable 13-point lead in the second half, but managed only one field goal in the final 12:30 of play, missing several free throws at the end of the game as Evan Turner, the only person Ohio State has that can score a basket, sat with four fouls.

Butler took advantage of the Buckeyes missing offense with a flurry of three pointers by Gordon Heyward, the ugliest player in Division I college basketball.

Dallas Lauderdale inexplicably made three free throws down the stretch to give the Buckeyes their margin of victory. He also blocked a three point attempt with his beard for the second game in a row. "The ultimate 'win's a win' game," said Lauderdale. The Bucks missed 12 times from the charity stripe.

Turner paced the Buckeye, ehem . . ."attack" with 14 points, and Lighty added 10. William Buford, who shoots the ball every time he touches it, missed all three of his attempts, finishing with zero points. John Diebler had eight points on 3-4 shooting. Yet, Diebler still sucks.

"You hear the term 'step up' a lot in sports, and I don't really know what that means," said Coach Thad Matta. "It's an overused, trite term, meant to imply elevating your level of play in a given situation," he added. "Well, whatever the fuck it means, no one did that for us today."

Yankees Sign CC Sabathia

And in a related story, they sign AJ Burnett too.

Wow. I hoped they wiped my blackberry!

Click here, but only after you've watched last night's episode of The Office. Otherwise, it won't make much sense.

-The Godfather

My event was pretty outstanding too. No CBJ game, mind you, but plenty of nips.

The X-Mas party was better than I expected, and the gang (mostly) took it to GVM World Headquarters, Ocho State (or Ocho.com as McCampus put it) for an evening of exactly what you'd expectedness.

15hunj? 5 weeks.

Blue Jackets goalie Steve Mason hones his skills as a youth

Just another Thursday night

Kudos to the Mayor, NJAG and McGregor for a successful trip to Blue Jackets State last night. Thanks also to the parking attendant who did not want to let me park in the garage I wanted to park in because my parking pass was for a different surface lot. "Can you please let me park here? Come on, give me a holiday treat," I said. "Traffic is backing up behind you, go ahead, but I shouldn't let you." And thusly it began.

It should be noted that we wanted to drink beers out of NASCAR-sized cans, as seemingly every other fan in the Arena was doing. Yet, everywhere we turned it was only bottles or draft for us. So we ordered bottles of beer from the lounge level waiter. In a reprise of last week's McCampus-McGinley beer debacle of aught eight, they were slow in coming (that's what she said). And when they did come, they were drafts. "Oh, I'm sorry, you did order bottles. Do you still want me to bring bottles," said the waiter. The Godfather, after quickly taking the lid off of his draft beer and taking a sip, whereby marking his territory, "Yep." Taking a play form the McGinley playbook, parlayed that round into a free round.

And then we were ready to rock and roll. First couple periods were entertaining if you're a die hard hockey fan who appreciates crisp passing and good goal keeping. Since the four of us are not, we updated our facebook statuses (all), twittered (AMG), text messaged people (all but the Mayor), talked about how great our ass looked in our jeans (NJAG), checked out the Blue Jackets girls (all-kinda), drank beers (NJAG, Godfather, Mayor) and ate beers (AMG).

When asked if he planned to go out big tonight or just have a few beers and call it a night, the Mayor declared, "You can't get half pregnant." Later, noting that NJAG's birthday is next week and AMG's is [tomorrow], and that it's always the Mayor's birthday in his mind, the Mayor declared, "Happy 25th, Art! Happy 29th, Mayor! Happy 50th, Cougar!"

Continuing his streak of hilarity, the Mayor pointed out that a button on NJAG's jacket looked like a nipple, or, as he called it, a nip. So while we were on the elevator leaving, he did the only logical thing and pantomimed sucking on it. Of course the elevator doors opened and this entire scene played out in front of two guys the Mathlete is friends with and some girl who was with them.

There were some very intense Swedes seated behind the west goal at the Jackets game. I don't know what their deal was, but they were dressed like referees and waved a Swedish flag often. And, not to get all Don Cherry on you, but the Jackets win last night has the potential to be a turning point for the season. Following a dreadful 0 point, 3 loss west coast swing, the Jackets seemed primed for another collapse. Yet, last night against rival Nashville, who have been the CBJ's daddies, they backed up great goaltending, including a 5-3 kill, with enough offense (barely) to get a victory. They still will likely crap out this year, but if they do put something together, point to last night as the turning point.

We tried to go to the R Bar post-game, but apparently they aren't actually moved in to their new digs yet. So we settled for a few beers at O'Shagnasty's before the Mayor received a full Secret Service-style detail walk back to the garage. To the 182 we went, where McGinley had successfully secured a high top. Drank and ate more beers, played Jenga with pint glasses, lamented that the Jackets 2-1 shootout victory, while awesome, didn't get us any Chili! from Wendy's, and called it a night.

I watched the Office when I got home, and I think it was funny, but I don't really remember.

-The Godfather

Lost in the shuffle of all the Godfather for Senate/hating on McGinley/Rod Blagojevich/CC Sabathia blather out there was the news of the Ninja Slipper's big win last week in GVM Hockey.

Already assured of a playoff berth, the Slips continued their season-long domination of ALL CAPS GUY with a 4-3-2 win. He had previously bested ALL CAPS 5-4 in week 4.

"That's the thing about Ninjas," ALL CAPS GUY Vice President for Pretend Hockey Operations McCampus said, "they just come at you from out of nowhere and dominate." "I'm not saying I was distracted last week or anything," he added, "but I did get engaged, so there is that."

He had no comment on the week 4 defeat.

Things continue to look good for the Slippers, in a tight match this week with the Richland Rampage. The Rampage is playing tentatively, and may be looking to shake up their squad by bringing up players from their minor league affiliate, the Champaign County Corkers.

Rampage Chief Scout Godfather will be attending an NHL game tonight, looking for some talent to compete with the resurgent Slippers. I hear he's got some pretty good seats.

Whigga!

Doctor!

McGinley's Facebook friends!

GVM readers!

Godfather!

McGinley!

McGinley!